


where in God gets the door slammed in her face

by Blue_Food



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale is "just enough of a bastard to be worth knowing" (Good Omens), Crowley Was Raphael Before Falling (Good Omens), God is guilty, Lucifer is a Little Shit, No beta we fall like Crowley, Poor Life Choices, Snake Crowley (Good Omens), crowley just wants to sleep, everyone is shook, he really likes food, she messed up, so does the author, the archangels are idiots, tho who dosen't
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:09:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24083371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blue_Food/pseuds/Blue_Food
Summary: After the armegdidn't the remaining archangels are desperate to find there lost brother so they use a tracking spell which brings them to, Crowley??or in which God gets the door slammed in her face, so does everyone but Aziraphel, who just wants a waffle like can he please get a waffle, and Crowley just wants to sleep for the next few decades.oh and Lucifer has muffins. (no Uriel you can't have any, why?, because I said so that's why)
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale & Gabriel (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Beelzebub & Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley & Gabriel (Good Omens), Crowley & God (Good Omens), Crowley & Michael (Good Omens)
Comments: 73
Kudos: 217





	1. why?

**Author's Note:**

> ok so this is just an introduction basic background info, but the following chapters will probably be like.:
> 
> chapter 2: where they found out Raphael fell and are met with a very grumpy sibling.
> 
> 3 were sorry about the way we acted, and Aziraphale finding out
> 
> 4 Lucifer finds out. 
> 
> 5 I don't know yet
> 
> 6 God comes to meet the family
> 
> 7Beezlebub has too much paperwork
> 
> 8 Hastur is threatened and nearly dropped out of a window. 
> 
> 9 the end probably..

“Why?”

  
  


The first question, and the first that was left unanswered it was asked, screamed and shouted by angels upon angel those that fell and those that didn’t. It was cried by the fallen as they burned in molten sulphur and silently by those who watched.

A rebellion it was called demons they now where, left to feel the gaping hole which was once their grace, some weren’t as empty, it really depended for whole long they burned. Whether they lay there unable to move to do anything but burn. Whether they couldn’t get out of the pits in time and they burnt away to nothing but a dying ember in the wind. Or whether they climbed as fast as they could to get out only to be pulled back by others trying to pull themselves out. 

Demons themselves were wrong she said so that’s what the must be, they were _evil_ , they were _flawed._ So, therefore, they must never look as they once did where the fire had burnt grew outward signs, this is bad to stay away, a warning, a reminder. 

After the fall neither the angles or the fallen were the same again, the angels were left incomplete from those they had lost and soon heaven grew to be a cold and sterile place, tho once a shining beacon of her love and if asked any angle would tell you it was as it had always been, how could it not be? _It was heaven._ But the hallways colder and the light once warm felt overbearing and blinding like it was overcompensating for something lost. Hell was dirty and dark, an exact opposite to heaven, its dark pillars and the echoing sound of someone still trapped in the pits, a place that felt uncomplete like it had never truly been finished.

The first to ask was Lucifer or as he was Samael, he was also the first to fall. The last to ask and the last to fall was one you would never expect Raphael or as he came to be, Crowley. 

The first question was about free will and humanity and everything in between, it was built on a growing resentment and anger well hidden. 

The last was about pain and why, why must they suffer it was built on tears and love and compassion. 

Neither were answered. 

Both were punished. 

No one knew Raphael had fallen, he was just lost, ‘out in the stars’ they said, ‘travelling’ they said, _‘ God please don’t let him be dead’_ a prayer whispered by his siblings. 

No one knew he had fallen the thought had never even crossed their minds. 

But this is not a story about the fall, nor is this a story about questions. 

Nor, is it a story about an angel and a demon, two hereditary enemies who were and are in love. Not that you can describe what they have as just love, it is to small a word for what they feel, it does nothing to describe the small smiles and gleam in their eyes, it 

Says nothing about the little laughs and the longing looks. It is such a small word to describe what is them, but it is the only word we have and so that it shall be. 

That is a different story one in which I’d tell if we had the time, however, we do not have forever so this will have to do. 

This is a story about angels who just miss there sibling( _siblings_ ) and so for the first time do without being asked and look. This is a story about guilt, about pain. This is a story about identities and grief, but most of all this is a story about forgiveness (or if thats what you want to call it anyway). 

So sit back relax put on your seatbelts and enjoy the ride, but be careful because Crowley doesn’t drive slow.


	2. Josephine the duck gets a heavenly warning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably the longest chapter I've ever written, I hope you like it :)

After the whole apocanot debacle heaven was in quite a tizzy, a lot of the angles were listening to northern downpour on repeat and quite frankly the archangels had had enough. 

“You know what we have to do” Michael muttered defeat evident in her voice.

“No surely there’s something we haven’t trie-” 

“We’ve tried everything heaven has to offer were going to have to use a witch”

“I hate witches..” a very dejected Uriel muttered unabashed by the scathing look she got from both Micheal and Gabriel, she knew Gabriel was a big hypocrite and that tho he’d never sully his pristine form with a term such as _hate_ he to had a ‘certain distaste’ for the beings.

  
  
  


It was all that Agnes Nutters fault, they’d had a very unfortunate run-in with her and both left traumatised and drenched in tomato juice. Micheal had found the whole ordeal very amusing and would for years after try and get the story out of them. She never did. 

“Angels aren’t meant to hate Uriel” reprimanded Gabriel. 

“Well there also not meant to be prats but here you are” 

Micheal looked at the two of them completely unimpressed, both were staring at the other stances mirroring each other perfectly one had a look of devastating offence and the other a mocking grin. 

Before another petty squabble could break out and destroy her office again or worse a repeat of the argument in 1673 she quickly interjected. 

“You two done?” 

They both looked at her expressions that of a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. 

“You don’t need me to get mother do you?” 

A scuffle of feet, their eyes were not able to meet her own irritated glare. 

“No Micheal” 

“Thats what I thought.” 

Mother almighty she thought to herself, children the both of them. 

  
  


\-----

Gabriel and Uriel had been close in the creation and were either best of friends or at each others throats, there was no in-between. 

Micheal the oldest of the siblings always threatened to get mother involved when there bickering got out of hand and mostly maintained a somewhat sought of order. 

Samael (soon to be Lucifer) her twin yet younger than her (“by only three seconds!!”) had a different tactic, now normally he liked to watch them argue, found it entertaining, but sometimes he was annoyed and didn’t have time to listen to whatever they were arguing about this time. 

In these cases, he would grab Raphael (the youngest of the lot) and tell him to tell them to stop arguing, if they ignored him well he taught him this little trick that made them both immediately shut up. 

It was simple Raphealel could and would cry on impulse. 

The two would immediately shut up and try and stop him from doing so, both completely awkward when confronted with a crying sibling and scared of Micheal or worse mother finding out they had made Raphael cry again. 

And when they’d try and comfort him, making a fool out of themselves and offering anything and everything to get him to stop, Rapheal would look at Samael and wink making the older giggle pleased with their little secret. 

\--------

When Micheal had suggested using a relative of Agnes Nutter (as she was a very powerful witch, no it wasn’t just to watch the horror in her siblings face, no why would you ever suggest that) Gabriel had right there and then refused to come. 

Which was why he was now sitting in the little cottage pretending to drink tea? While Micheal and Uriel were probably laughing their buts of somewhere, and the witch completed the spell. 

Of course not out of the goodness in her heart, no witches never did, she wasn’t his biggest fan after the whole little armageddon that couldn’t, so her price had tripled what it would normally be. Like wow who needs a goat called bananas, unlimited access to heavens library (and lord almighty knows how he was going to sought that one out) and something about a judgemental duck needing to be given a heavenly warning, apparently their name was Josephine. 

“Done.” 

Gabriel’s head whipped up, “Really where are they?”

“Uhuh not so fast, first the duck,” 

“Young miss I don’t think you get the urgency of this situation, it is in heavens best interest if you give the address to me righ_” 

“The duck!” 

What was it with people and cutting him off these days. 

“Now, now I assure you that the duck will be taken care o-” 

Here she goes again cutting him off. 

“You can have it when I’ve seen Josephene receive there warning!” 

Gabriel gulped there would be no getting out of this then. 

\------------

Gabriel marched over to the offending culprit and proceed to look down at it with as much heavenly wrath as one could. 

“Now listen here young .. duck... I’m the archangel Gabriel and you will not do whatever it is you did to that young women again or there will be heavenly consequences.”

He looked over at the witch who merely raised an eyebrow as if it to say, thats it really.

He looked back at the duck who too seemed to be judging him.

“Now I don’t know if I made myself clear enough before but I am the archangel fucking Gabriel and my threats are to be taken seriously! Now stop your tomfoolery at once! At once! Do you hear me!” 

Turning around he started to walk back to the witch when quack. 

Oh, that little bastard. 

Spinning on his heels he stalked towards the duck his face set in menacing fury. 

“What was that” a low growl reared its ugly head. 

“Quack”

“HOW DARE YOU!! SHOW ME SOME RESPECT. I AM YOUR SUPERIOR, YOU ARE BUT A MEASLY P-DUCK! IN COMPARISON TO ME YOU ARE LIKE A GRAIN OF SAND NEXT TO AN OCEAN”

“LOOK AT ME WHEN IM SPEAKING TO YOU” 

“I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT! DO YOU HEAR ME! THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING! IF I HEAR ONE MORE QUACK FROM YOU I WILL SEE TO IT THAT YOUR FEATHERY BEHIND GET THROWN INTO THE NINTH CIRCLE OF HELL! YOU WILL NEVER JOIN YOUR BRETHREN IN HEAVEN!!!!” 

If a duck could look unimpressed Josephene did, silence then

“quack”.

Gabriel launched himself forward and was only stopped from throttling the duck by the “Gabriel what the fuck” that came from his left. 

Looking over, heat rising to his cheeks he saw, 

Oh no 

“Beezlebub… hello” 

“Heaven is sending the ‘great archangel Gabriel’ to give heavenly warnings to ducks now?” 

“...

Yes

…’

Behind Beezlebub stood a few demons looking both amused and confused. 

“So what are you doing in these parts of Tadpole” he went for casual. 

“Tadfield” the witch corrected, oh he’d forgotten she was here. 

“What?”

“Its Tadfield not Tadpole.”

“Oh”

Beezlebub looked how the pensioners sat on the benches looked… unimpressed. 

For Gabriel as ‘mighty’ as he was seemed to be threatening when angry to everyone but old people (he’d found that out in the 19th century), Beezlebub and now apparently ducks. 

“ ze demons needed to learn how to use ze Wikipedia.”

“I’m still not following?”

“Hell has bad wifi” 

He nodded as though he understood but he filed Wikipedia away for later.

“Right well I’m just going to” 

“Yes zi think that would be best” 

Gabriel grabbed the witches arm and stalked off.

  
  
  


“Who was that” the witch -no Anathema he tried to correct, after all, that he could use her name, well at least in his head. 

“Doesn’t matter, location” 

“Not until you tell me who that was.” 

Oh, how he hated witches- no wait don’t tell Uriel he would never hear the end of it. 

“That wasn’t part of our deal.” 

“Well now it is”

He spluttered the audacity. 

“Beezlebub, prince of hell. Now location”

“Do you have a crush on him or something” 

If he could blush harder than he already was he would have. 

“Location” he finally gritted out. 

“Fine here,” she handed him a slip of paper “it’s on here. “

“If you ever need anything again, bananas could use a friend, I was thinking guacamole” 

He decided not to even dignify that with a response and instead decided to look at the writing on the paper. 

Oh, bloody hell. 

Wasn’t this near where Aziraphel lived?

  
  


\--------

It was at this point that Micheal would like to say that she got a little ruffled, Uriel and Gabriel are inclined to disagree, it was a heaven of a lot more than a little ruffled. 

Uriel watched her pace back and forwards while throwing her hands in the air, 

“You mean to tell me we’ve been looking for him for more than 6 000 years and he’s been on Earth, On EaRtH!” 

“For mother’s sake, the witch found him in what 10 minutes and it took us 6 000 years and we didn’t even find him by ourselves I mean seriously!” 

“SHoUlD HaVE JuSt GoNe AnD GoTtEn A wItcH In THe FIrST place” 

“BuT NoOo ‘MICHEAL We DoN’T nEEd A wItCH” 

Both Uriel and Gabriel had the common sense to at least look abashed. 

The room was left in awkward silence as Micheal calm herself down. 

Uriel shuffled forward slightly, ‘mother please didn’t let Micheal smite me’ she quickly prayed. 

“Why don’t we go find Raphael now. “ she tried to placate. 

“Yea ok” looking defeated Micheal grabbed her bag for walking out the door. 

Sharing a look with Gabriel Uriel shrugged and followed. 

  
  


\------

Meanwhile after the apocaoopsie (as Aziraphale had taken to calling it much to Crowley’s chagrin and hidden amusement) and there failed tragic end. Aziraphale had gone back to collecting books and Crowly had decided to takes a nice long nap, because really what else did you expect them to do buy a cottage and live together? No after 6000 years of pining and idiocy they weren’t going to just admit their feelings and fricken get on with it because NoOo things couldn’ just be that easy. So instead they were both back to pining just not so much from afar as they used to not that they were very good at being the whole ’secret’ and the whole ‘enemies’ thing. 

At this point it is fair to say that God just wanted to grab the both of them smush there heads together and say, ‘you love him’ and ‘he loves you’ ‘please get your fucking acts together and just kiss’, at this point, she was in fact considering doing just that, because seriously how dense can two people be. 

But no she was giving them a year and then, fuck it she was going to do it herself. 

Anyway back to the story, of course aside from feeding the ducks and going out for food together, afterwards they would get well sloshed as they used to any way they were now able to see each other without fear of immediate termination, which was all quite and well and all however one was planning to take a nap food the next decade and the other planning to read himself into an early grave. 

However, Aziraphel doesn’t come into this till the next chapter so I will leave you with the pleasant view of him happily reading his books and eating sushi. 

\-------

The three archangels stood outside the door frozen 6000 years, 6000 years and they hadn’t planned what they would say. Should they shout? Should they cry? Hug him? Slap him? Ask why? Why did they leave? 

With a million thoughts flying through there heads they shared a look off I’m not knocking. 

In the end, Uriel knocked but quickly pushed Micheal to the front. 

They waited for 1 then 2 then 3 minutes before deciding to knock again, maybe they weren’t in. 6000 and a bit years it would be just there luck if they weren’t even in. 

Tring a little louder this time there angelic hearing picked up a groan a thump like someone falling over, some shuffling ad cursing. 

Suddenly this didn’t feel like such a good idea, no be brave Uriel told herself but pushing Gabriel and Micheal a little more in front of her. Another thump some more shuffling and the door swung open to reveal… 

\------

Blearily stumbling forward Crowley swung open the door to reveal... Oww the light, his eyes took a moment to adjust (should’ve grabbed his sunglasses but he was too tired to do anything but wrap the blanket around himself and make his way to the door) still in a sleep-induced haze it took a moment for it to fully register that there were three archangels outside his door. Once his brain stopped lagging he stumbled out a “no” before shutting the door on the equally shocked angles stumbling back in the direction of his room to get back to his nice warm bed. He really didn’t have the patience for them today. 

  
  
  



	3. slithery snakes and Bitch faces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this chapter :)

Maybe later Crowley would question the fact that they were at his doors and later would have a panic attack over wait is Aziraphale ok, and would then after checking on him proceed to have another over whether or not they had found out who he was. 

You see Crowley had been very careful so that no one would find out because well he knew how well that would turn out. But no his tired brain had gone ‘bed’ so that he had done. 

Right now he was still doing bed and was currently tangled up in his sheets basking in the warmth (because yes his house was set to unnaturally high temperature because hello snake here.) This was why when someone started knocking at his door again he didn’t even notice and instead just buried his head under his pillow in an attempt to muffle the weird noise that was coming through his dream. (no he wasn’t dreaming about Aziraphale, he was just dreaming about someone who looked very much like him and seahorses.)

This was also why when a few days later when a few angelic beings miracle themselves into his apartment he didn’t even stir, because really if he could sleep through the 14th century he could sure as H- Brighton sleep through some snoopy angles. 

\------

No 

“Maybe the witch was playing a prank?”

Uriel let out a growl of “witches” in agreement.

“No, I made her go under oath”

“So that means..” 

Micheal’s head was spinning and she thinks if anything else were to happen it might just as well fall off. 

Mentally she pulled up a memory of what Raphael looked like and what Crowley looked like and tried to compare. 

Red hair: check

Face shape: check

voice: check

Attitude” check-ish

He even had the same eyebrows. 

Which meant Raphael=Crowley 

Of course, after this life-changing discovery, she then thought not in this particular order mind you...

How did I not notice?

Wait I nearly killed him…

He cut his hair

Did Sam-Lucifer know?

Where did he get that blanket from? (it just looked so fluffy)

And of course, how did he fall?

Meanwhile, Gabriel’s brain was on a loop of wait the Principillity is fucking my brother”

Later on, he would think how did I not recognise him? And oh my I helped organise his execution. He would then internalise these thoughts however that was to come much later, much, much, later. For now, he was still stuck on Aziraphale-Raphael? And Raphael fell? 

Uriel meanwhile just had wha-wha-wha-what did you sayyyy playing on repeat in her head, or she would have if she was a little bit more cultured instead her brain was just saying, error-404 not found or the celestial equivalent at that. 

It would in fact take the archangels a few days to finally go and visit Raphael again, this was of course only procrastinated by crippling self-hate, guilt, prejudice and the brains lagging. 

They were in fact only visiting again because well how the hell did Raphael fall? And some hinting from there mother, they knew this of course because at family dinner, for that last few days, she had been sighing and going “Wouldn’t Be Nice To Have The Whole Family Together Again HMMMM” and so on and so on. 

Oh, I’m sorry did you think God was an absentee parent if so your right, she was always in her ‘office’ (cough glorified living room) working on the important stuff (binge-watching shows) and she only ever came out for Sunday dinner as it was holly day and she was the holly of the holiest holly bunch. Really she just liked Micheal’s cooking. 

So standing outside the door feeling both annoyed, sad and curious they knocked again. 

No one answered. 

They knocked again. 

No one answered. Again. 

They knocked a third time. 

No one answered. Again. 

By the 273rd unanswered knock, the neighbours had come out proceeded to tell them they didn’t think they were in and go back inside. 

When the angles continued to stare at the door as if to will it open (they probably could if they wanted to but they were trying not to break any more doors) it seems the little old lady who lives next door told them they could climb from her apartment across the ledge to Crowley’s big open window and try and crawl through. Because really Gilda had had enough of the knocking and thought that maybe if they got in they could just wait inside, and if they happened to fall well the knocking would stop either way. 

This is why currently Gabriel is lying flat on his face Uriel on his back a broken plant pot shattered next to them and Micheal dangling from the window. Gabriel considered just lying there and accepting his demise, maybe he’d sink into the floor and wouldn’t have to deal with paperwork ever again, ah yes that was a nice thought, on the other hand, he could just make Uriel who was currently crushing him do it for him. 

“Get off!”

“I think I broke a plant…”

“No, I think thats my back” 

“oh “ 

A sudden shift and the weight was gone. 

“No, I broke a plant pot” 

“Your lucky there was no plant, remember when you broke Raphael’s star?”

“I remember you breaking Raphael’s star.”

“No, it was you”

“Naa I’m pretty sure it was you”

“Was not”

“Was to”

“Was not”

“Was to”

“Was not”

“Was to”

“Was not”

“Was to”

“Was not”

“Was to”

“Was not”

“Was to”

“Was not”

“Was!”

“Nt!”

  
  


“Was!”

“Nt!”

“Was!”

“Nt!”

“Was!”

“Nt!”

“Was not”

“Was too!” 

Uriel smiled in victory “hah you just said it was to so I win” 

“NoOo but technically you said was not first so”

“No, I didn’t”

“Yes you did”

“Didn-”

“WILL THE BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP AND PULL ME UP” 

Ohh, Micheal.

Now if the angels were a little more with the times there brains would have gone ‘oh shit-oh shit’

If were one to commemorate the moment they would have titled it ‘it was in this moment they knew they fucked up” 

However, instead, they looked at each other and shared a look of  oh heaven weth forgot about Michael shees going to holdst this o'er us for years  wich ruffely translates to fuck. 

After successfully pulling Micheal up she sent them a withering glare which clearly portrayed, ‘i can’t believe you’ve done this’. 

With a quick miracle the pot was fixed and the angles looked at each other awkwardly as if not knowing where to proceed from here. 

“Maybe we should have planned?”

“Uh yea you think” 

They really should start planning before they do, but the last thing they planned for didn’t even happen so what was the point. 

Looking at you great plan. 

  
  


Another moment of awkward silence and then “lets look around”

“Yea ok” 

  
  


\----

Uriels mental notes on her bro-Raph-cro-dem-thing 

Likes plants

Very good at planting 

Likes windows 

Has a really hot house like really hot.

Is very clean. 

Only owns black 

And a tartan collar??

Sunglasses so many sunglasses

Has a weird box thing with a disk inside that says ‘the golden girls’ 

Has a burn book??? (look up) on heaven and hell (look through it later)

What is Queen 

Alcohol lots and lots of alcohol. 

Is currently in the house and sleeping. 

Is currently in his bed sleeping. 

Sleeping 

In the bed? 

In the house

Oh… 

  
  


“Micheallllllll” “GABRIELLLLL” 

Maybe she shouldn’t have shouted but the-d the Raphael only shifted and snuggled back into the bed completely unaware of there presence. 

The sound of someone sprinting down the hall colliding into something falling flat on there face, another something running down the hall tripping over the fallen body and also landing flat on there face led to a few moments later a very sheepish Gabriel and Micheal stumbling in. 

“Found him” 

“What is he doing”

“Humans call it sleep” 

“Why is he”

“Do I look like I know” she was done with Gabriel’s petulance and decided to give him her most exact replica of there Mothers Bitch face as she could (God not that she would ever tell them had learnt it of Sam Winchester when binge-watching Supernatural back in the early days, she has control over time the rules don’t apply to her) she must have done well because Gabriel shut up and did his weird polite smile grimace he was so overly fond off.

\------

This is the sight that Crowley woke up to after his phone (if you could call it that) started to ring, he had rolled over and (well imagine how a baby foul walks when they’ve just been born, yes now add a little more slithering and you have the walk) over to his phone (he moved to his bedroom when deciding to take his little nap in case his angle needed him). 

“Hey Angle, (stifled yawn), yea the Ritz sounds great…. 

Mhmm yea I’ll see you at 8” 

Hangs up phone turns around. 

Three sheepish Archangle’s stare back at him. 

To say Crowley was surprised would be the understatement of the year (yes they’d been at his door earlier, but please excuse the dear boy as he’d just woken up so was a bit laggy, yea windows level laggy) he was so surprised in fact that he promptly leet out a dignified yelp (a weird shriek noise like a crossover between a scream and a hiss) and turned into a snake. 

The archangels just as surprised at the sudden turning of a snake also let out some dignified yelps (they screamed for a minute) which would have given Crowley just enough time to get away if it hadn’t been for the laggy brain so instead ina truly poor connection kind of way made his way to the door, well slithered his way to the door. Which by the way was thrown shut by a panicking angle (yes it was Micheal (yes that was because Gabriel and Uriel had jumped into each over in there screaming and were now clung together on the chandelier?) 

Crowley hissed preparing himself for what could be a fight and trying to plan a nifty get away (so far he had step 1 become snek step two loading…)

“No wait were not going to hurt you”

Crowly decided to only hiss in return. 

By know, Uriel and Gabriel had climbed off the chandelier and were both looking as dignified as two grown angles that had just climbed of a chandelier could. 

“Look Raphae-”

Hisssssssssssssssssss

“Raphael” she tried again only for Crowley to go

Hissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

“This would be much easter if you weren’t in sake form you know” Gabriel tried this time only to not even get a hiss for a response. 

“Look Crowley yes?” 

Crowley nodded or well snakey nodded it was some weird slithery snakey thing that looked like a nod that she supposed she’d take that as a yes. 

“Ok Crowley were sorry we entered your home uninvited however you weren’t answering your door so the little old lady next door said we could climb threw her window through to yours,”

“I swear she wobbled the ledge’ Micheal not now Uriel thought.

(hisss that translates to Gilda that backstabber, and well a little respect for the lady) 

Transforming back he looked at them unimpressed from the other side of the bed and said 

“Why didn’t you just miracle yourselves inside, or just fly in?”

The room was in complete silence for a few moments as the angles looked at each other abashed, why didn’t they do that? 

“That’s not the point,” Micheal spluttered. 

“The point is, Raphael you fell? how? Why didn’t you tell us? Does S-Lucifer know? And Aziraphale really?”

“Ok first of all if you can get his name right you can get mine, It’s Crowley Crow-ly CROWLEY ok got it, and no I just slaunterd vaguely downwards for kicks, would you have believed me, no, and I and Aziraphale aren’t together you weirdo, why would you say that.”

“Uhuh like I believe that your not” Micheal elbowed Gabriel in the ribs. 

“But why?” 

“because “ 

“Well, it’s not really any of your business!”

“The heaven it’s not our business, were, your, family.”

“Really then why’d it take you so long to find me” 

.

.

.

“Witches” 

“A duck” 

“Uriel and Gabriel” 

I think you can guess who those three answers came from. 

“I just, I thought you knew and just didn’t care, I’m fallen why would you even see me as family anymore” 

“Your Raphael”

“I’m Crowley” 

“Your still are (checks to see what gender they are today) brother” 

“Yea and what about him is he still your brother”

“Thats different”

“No, it isn’t”

“No, it’s not they agreed and sat down looking dejectedly at the carpet between there feet”

“We really messed up” 

“Yea you did”

“Tell us everything” 

And so he did, starting from his slaunter vaguely downwards. 

(Raphael you can’t heal the fallen, why? 

You will fall if you do, why?

And so the more he healed the more feathers turned black demon by demon, feather by feather.)

  
  


\------

“Crowley dear if you are sleeping i will be very upset with you”

“Get away from him” 

“No no wait angle I’m sorry I completely lost track of time, it’s fine there not hear to hurt you” 

On seeing that Aziraphale still didn’t stop his offensive stance “or me” he quickly finished.

“Yea were just talking to Raphael-” 

A foot was stomped on

A yelp of pain

A “RaPhAeL” 

And an” it’s Crowley” all happened within a matter of seconds. 

Aziraphale could hear Crowley muttering something about a stupid Gabriel who doesn’t know how to keep his mouth shut.

“Look angle you know my name wasn’t Crowley before I fell, and well they just find out who I was and wanted to talk it out, there then gonna be on their merry way back to heaven and thats that.” 

3 

The sentence was being digested 

2

Realisation 

1

“TO HEAVEN WE ARE YOU THINK WERE GOING TO LEAVE NOW JUST THAT WEVE FOUND YOU” 

“Yes” 

“Thats exactly what you’re going to do” 

“I am a demon, I’m fallen, you hate the earth, I can’t go to heaven, you’re like the potato I’m like a tomato (Uriel and Gabriel shudder)”

“But first” he pushed them forward 

“Say it” 

“Do we have too” 

“Yea I don’t want to “ 

“I’ll do it and you know I will” 

“You wouldn’t “ they gasped in horror. 

“Try me” 

His bottom lip jutted out and 

“Ok ok were sorry we were so horrible to you, and we were a big bag of dicks, your an amazing angle and Mother actually likes you, she told us all off after the whole armegno and we were grounded for a month. Also, you’re an amazing angle” 

They all said in unison, the God bit was the only bit Raphael was surprised about. 

“Well thats, very nice of you to say, but I hope you understand that I’m still quite upset however when I forgive you I’ll let you know.” 

“Crowly seriously you didn’t think to tell me you were Raphael”

  
  


“I didn’t think it mattered”

“Of course it doesn’t you willy old serpent, but I would’ve liked to know.” 

Crowly had the common sense to look at least a bit guilty. 

“Right thats were we take our leave, see you tomorrow” and with that, the archangels were gone leaving no room for debate on whether or not they would be back for tomorrow. 

“Can we go get waffles?”

Crowley sighed.

  
  
  
  



	4. Gabriel really needs to stop sinking Gods ship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what is up my dudes I have now realised I spelt angel angle in the other chapter very consistently but quite frankly I can't be bothered to change it. anyway, I hope you enjoy my last brain cell worked hard on this.

They did not in fact get waffles. 

Aziraphale was not pleased with this and continued to pull out his slightly miffed and irritated face whenever Crowley tried to talk to him. 

In Crowley’s defense 

1 

he had just seen his siblings again without any of them trying to smite him for the first time in 6000 years. 

2

he was a demon, he wasn’t nice.

3

He still got him crepes but apparently that wasn’t good enough.

Which brings us to Crowley currently snuggling down to go back to sleep when. 

“Lets go feed the ducks”

Don’t scream, don’t scream, don’t scream. 

“I thought you weren’t talking to me”

“...”

“I’m not”

“You did just then” 

“...”

“...”

It is fair to say that right now Crowley was currently screaming in his head, he just wanted to nap, like why does his sleep keep getting interrupted. 

It wasn’t fair. 

If one more person wakes me up i swEAR!

“Maybe the ducks will give me waffles.”

“Fine.” 

“Really?!!” 

“When we get back i am sleeping and IF I GET WOKEN UP BEFORE I’VE HAD A DECENT AMOUNT (a few years) I AM GOING TO START ARMAGEDDON MYSELF”

Scillence

“Ok dear, 

...

I wonder if they sell waffles at the park? “

  
  


They didn’t he had to settle for ice cream. 

  
  


“I’m just saying they should sell waffles at the park” 

Crowley considered it, “they really should” 

“What about a waffle park instead they could call it a wark no a paffle.” 

“A paffle?” Aziraphele's face was one of confufflement and a slight distaste. 

“What you don’t like it?”

“I’ll get used to it..” 

  
  


It was on their way back to the Bentley that Crowley realised something, something that was so momentous that it made him stop dead in his tracks a look of rapidly growing horror on his face. 

“Oh my black skinny jeans!”

It was in moments like these, that Aziraphale, one of high class, who valued manners and a perfect picture of the british stereotype, one who had the highest decorum and vocabulary would forget everything about himself and who he was and instead would slip into the voice of the rest off britain that wasn't so posh that there accents made the floor shine, and with that he said..

“You what mate?”

Crowley, taken aback by the voice, took a moment for his brain to understand the words underneath the accent. 

“I well.. God...Satan..” Crowley.edx had stopped working. 

“I just there. What if there back at my apartment…”

“God and Satan, my dear why would-”

“No the wankwings”

“Oh the archangels, well they most probably would be i suppose, i mean they did say they’d be back and we’ve been feeding the ducks for -*go’s to look at watch, realises he has no watch, makes duck grimace face* - a while”

“I mean they probably wouldn’t be, why would they, i just i-”

“My dear stop, you'll work yourself up into a tissy, why don’t we go back to mine?”

“A tissy?”

“Of course that's all you’d pick up from that conversation”

“Can i come stay at yours for a while”

A sigh heavy enough that even Atlas couldn’t hold it escaped him and he shook his head

“Yes I do think that's a good idea.”

“Crowley?”

“Mhmm”

“Why, why are you high five/flap-ing a duck?”

“I don’t know, but for some reason i feel like i should be really proud of it.”

“Is that josephine?”

Crowley spun round to look at the duck he was currently high flapping,

“Oh I suppose it is.”

Aziraphale looked at the duck and then had the nerve to tutt at it,

“Did you apologize to Anathema?”

The duck had the decency to look at least a little abashed. 

“Oh leave the duck alone”

“It wasn't a very nice thing they did.”

“No it wasn’t nice it was hilarious, now we better hurry up or we won't have time for afternoon tea.”

“No afternoon tea???” Aziraphale looked appalled at the mere mention of the thought. 

“Whoa slow down angle” Crowly giggled like a schoolhuman with their crush (no wait stop hissing at the author, no i will not change it, well deal with it) and promptly slithered after him. 

  
  
  
  


“Stop it”

“Stop what?”

“Stop making that sound with your tongue”

…

“Tic tock”

Gabriels hand slammed across uriel’s face “i said stOP IT” 

Two seconds later and Gabriel jumped up clutching both his hand and his dignity to his chest.

“Did you just lick me?”

Uriel stuck her tongue out at him. 

“Very mature.”

They had arrived at Ra-Crowley’s apartment at precisely 14:00, they did 27 minutes of knocking then proceeded to do a miracle sweep check to see if he was sleeping again. 

After discovering that they weren’t in fact home they decided to wait outside for them. 

By 16:00 they got tired of staring at the elevator so instead sat down on the floor like three eager puppy’s and stared hopefully at the door. 

By 18:00 Micheal was lying face down on the floor contemplating her existence and why she was related to dum and dummer. 

By 18:07 she was crying into the soft plush carpet. 

By 18:30 she was considering running away to Brazil and calling herself Pablo, Pablo was an only child with a taste for blondes. 

By 19:00 she had planned out how to get away with mass homicide in at least 15000 different ways. 

19:03 

“Pst” Micheal looked over and like a starving lion looking upon a deer she rushed over to the old lady. 

She beamed at the welcomed distraction in the form of Gilda. 

“Would you like to come in for some tea dear?”

Micheal considered it, she didn’t much want to drink tea and she was at least 93% sure that the lady had attempted to kill her last time, she looked over at Gabriel and Uriel who were currently wrestling on the floor, Gabriel's hair had gone a sight green colour and was that glitter? His foot was currently in uriel’s face who was badly singing (if you could call the sound of a cat being stood on singing) Joe bombacio luscus ( which in short was heaven’s cotton eyed joe) for the 127th time in a row. 

“Please”

“Do your companions want to-”

“NO .. um i mean there not really fans of tea” Gilda looked at her as if she had just told her she was an angel of lord (i mean she was but she hadn’t said that had she?)

“Ok hun i think i have bourbons in the cupboard” and with that michael made a hasty departure. 

  
  
  


03:07

“Where’s michael?”   
  


“I don’t know maybe i could tell you if your foot wasn’t IN MY FACE”

“Seriously if you don’t get your foot out my face i’ll..i’ll bite you.”

“Your not gonnAA OWWW” 

“Did you just bite me?”

Gabriel in response stuck out his tongue. 

“very mature”

Uriel clambered to her feet rubbing at her ankle, “ankle biter.”

“At least I don't lick people like some kind of animal.”

“You were covering my mouth, what else was I meant to dO?”

“I don’t know. NoT LiCk Me!”

  
  


Meanwhile Miicheal under the scrutiny of a 97 year old women drunk her tea and watched the Netflix which was currently showing Mean Girls (she had enquired about the burn book), it was safe to say her and Gildawere becoming fast friends, she’d never had a friend before and was quite liking it. 

Gilda after her previous attempt at angel murder was now starting to like this weird being that kept trying to visit the nice young person who lived next door. She did hope that they wouldn’t scare away the lovely couple, she had spent so long trying to get them together and really that Anthony, what a sweetheart he looked after the plants for her and that Aziraphele always had time for a cup of tea. 

Micheal decided she quite liked tea after all and these Bourbon things were practically devine and well she should know. The film had just ended and she supposed she should go and check on tweedle dee and tweedle dum, well it was more like tweedle dum and tweedle still dum but potatoe pahtatoe.

She slapped her thighs “right” and stood up Gilda nodded, understanding passed between them. She made sure to thank her for the tea and made her way out of the door. 

Gabriel and uriel were oh, they were snuggled up together in a corner looking terrified and there was a duck? 

“Can we wait inside the apartment?”

“Mhmm yeah sure,”

05:09 

“Maybe we should ask the principality where he is” surprisingly it was Uriel who had for once said something with a hint of intellect. 

06:00

Crowley and Aziraphale were too well put it simply shit faced, after quite a few bottles of Aziraphale finest red they were now blasting the show must go on screaming it at the top of their lungs. 

Crowley was quite majestically sprawled over a pile of books hugging a bottle and, no he was not crying Aziraphale wine just made him leaky. 

Ok he was crying but could you blame him?

Aziraphale meanwhile wasn’t fairing much better, he was the pile of books that Crowley thought he was draped over and was currently stroking Crowley’s head as though he was a rather affectionate cat, all whilst contemplating the existence of waffles. 

Somebody to love started to play and Crowley and Aziraphale locked eyes, a stare so intense that if directed at a mere mortal they would have bensure to spontaneously combust from the pressure of it. It was a stare of 6000 years of longing and wishing and needing, as if pulled by some higher force the two’s heads started to slowly move together, Azirahale looked down at Crowley’s lips then back to his eyes. 

“I knew it!”

Faintly God could be heard crying in the distance. 

Two matching screams some flailing a thump, Aziraphale clutched Crowley closer on instinct and they fell of the pile of books, a wine bottle was thrown and there were now three wine soaked archangels, one with a face of triumph and accusation one of confusion and one of oh lord why me, a shattered bottle now lay on the floor next to them. 

They looked back at the angel and demon who were now clinging to each other one with a face of ‘oh look at that mess’ and the other ‘what the fuck Gabriel’ which believe it or not was a very common face in heaven and was now becoming very popular on earth. 

True to his face Crowley slurred “what the fuck Gabriel.”

“I knew it! I knew you and that principality were together, I knew it! You tried to deny it but I knew it!”

Springing apart the two obviously drunken fools started to mumble out objections and excuses. 

‘Were not i mean just, no.”

It should be noted that the nest family dinner would bring God to scream ‘ STOP SINKING MY SHIP’ at Gabriel as she angrily chewed her mash potatoes. 

“mhmm whatever you say” none of the archangels looked convinced. 

Micheal suddenly surged forward, “have you been crying?” This caused the other two to look at him and yes his eyes were rimmed with red. 

Crowley looked serious for a moment and then giggled and booped michael on the nose before sinking to the ground whilst singing Freddy in a very sad voice. 

Aziraphale nodded as though this all made sense and started to off key scream along with the music which had been blasting in the background.

They looked at the two wine dripping down their faces and equal looks of bafflement. 

“Are you, are you drunk?” 

Crowley flapped his arms “uh yea soo?”

Aziraphale giggled then looked at Gabriel “your short. And bossy!” 

“I’m taller than you?”

This sent the two into a fit of laughter rolling around on the floor clutching their stomachs. 

The archangels looked at each other not quite sure what to do. 

“Let's come back in the morning”

A nod off mutual agreement and they flashed out leaving the two singing to queen and questioning there life choices. 


	5. wHat THe FuCk RicHard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what is up my dudes sorry about the slow update but here's a little bonus scene at the end to make it up to you.
> 
> comments and kuddos make the author very happy...
> 
> :)   
> enjoy!!

“RISE AND SHINE” 

A mutual “Ughhhh”

At this moment, ok well in most moments, Crowley and Aziraphale's brains were in sync as a mutual thought of PRAT seemed to be going on. 

“Turn the suuun off.”

I'm not quite sure who shouted it but FUCK OFF YOU TWAT was also being thrown around with the ease in which someone would accidentally binge doctor who for the 123458536th time. 

“Well, really there is no need for that language!’ 

They disagreed. 

  
  
  


Angels and demons aren’t quite as immune to the aftereffects of alcohol as they would like, I mean sure they could avoid it by sobering up before the alcohol had passed through there system and any with even a mm of common sense would have done so. Aziraphale and Crowley, however, had the combined common sense of a toddler, on drugs, with no adult supervision. This is of course when they were sober when they were drunk? Well, let's just say the 0.0001% of brain cell they shared had well, left the station. Ahh yes, a lovely morning indeed. 

  
  
  
  


“I hate everythinggg!!” 

Ahh, that one was Crowley. 

“Mngh.”

“Apart from you Angel.” 

It seems hungover Crowley didn’t have much of a brain to mouth filter. 

“TEAAAAA” 

Lucky for him (but not for us) Aziriphale was a little preoccupied with other things. 

(for the second time within the last 24 hours God broke down into tears.)

  
  


“Now, now come on you two up and at em.”

“Jeez whose the annoying shape.”

“I think it’s Gabriel.”

Matching groans. 

“Well, exScUse Me bu-”

“You are excused” mumbled Crowley. 

“Well I nEVER THE IMPERTINENCE, IT'S YOUR OWN FAULT THE BOTH OF YOU!” 

“Are You quite done Karen?” that one was Aziriphale he was working on being more pop-savvy. 

When it seemed that Gabriel was starting to begin a rant again, Crowley calmly and with all the grace and decorum of a reversing dump truck without any tires on took off his shoe and promptly threw it in the general direction of Gabriel. 

SMACK 

\---

  
  


Gabriel with a bright red throbbing shoe imprint on his forehead, puffed up like a cat that had been sprayed with water. For a second they were quite sure that he were going to hiss and swipe at them. 

Instead, he did something much, much worse. 

“I’M TELLING MUUUMMMM!!!!!” 

Crowley lunged, Aziraphale (who had been starting to quite enjoy himself) made a little :0 face. 

Gabriel for all his reputation for being a little shit was in fact a fast little shit at that, and was gone before the still mildly intoxicated and majorly hungover Crowley could grab him. 

“SNITCHESSS END UP IN DITCHESSS!!!!!!!!!!!” Crowley screamed/hissed at the sky 

“Well shit.” 

  
  
  


Off all the things that Micheal and Uriel had been expecting this, this had not been one of them. In fact, if they hadn’t just sneakily snuck through the halls of hell (which had been weirdly easy, Hell really needed better security) and because neither of them were any were near imaginative to think this up, they would have thought they were dreaming or having a nightmare to be more accurate. 

“NO NO NO FROM THE TOP” 

The music slowly started up again (or at least they thought it was music.)

They both watched in horror as the scene started up again. 

Uriel clutched their face in pain, Micheal, well Micheal began to cry. 

**_I said, certified freak_ **

**_Seven days a week_ **

For there in front of them was Lucifer _, literal satan_ , their big/little brother respectively, the prince of hell Lord Beezlebub, and Dagon. All wearing knee-high cherry red chonky boots and fishnet tights. 

Dagon was artfully pulling of a toga? The colour of tortured souls. Meanwhile, Beezlebub was rocking an oversized jumper tucked into high waisted shorts, they had way too many piercings to count. 

But Lucifer, well he was wearing a short black skirt with a spiky belt, and a sleeveless silky cherry red crop top and at least eight different necklaces. 

Dancing or at least they hoped it was dancing. 

After the eighth round of that song and watching them do a synchronised slut drop at 

  
  


**_Gobble me, swallow me,_ **

And so much blackmail material they decided (to the collective horror of everyone there) to let their presence be noted. 

Micheal cleared her throat.

The music came to a screeching halt.

The three most respected beings in hell let out a scream, almost as synchronized as the slut drops. 

  
  


About ruffly 12 minutes later the scream came to a stop just as sudden as the music had 12 minutes beforehand. 

An awkward silence started to fill the room. 

“I wanna be a cowwwboyyy babyyy, i wanna be a cowwwboyyy.”

“ Dagon!”

“Yes Lord Beezlebub?”

“Why?”

“It felt appropriate for the moment.”

“Zi worry about ze sometimes.”

….

More awkward silence.

“Gabriel isn’t here is he?”

“No…” 

“So he hasn’t ?”

They nodded. 

Beezlebub sighed in relief. 

“You're not going to-?

“Show him the video? Oh heaven yes, yes we are.”

Three matching “VIDEO!!”

“video’S”  
  


Dagon and Beelzebub awkwardly and with some resemblance to a dismayed dinosaur shuffled out of the room. Leaving the three siblings alone. 

That, that is when the screaming shouted. 

  
  


About 4 hours of tears, trauma and Uriel and Micheal being taught a dance later, they told him about Raphael. Which in turn spurred 4 more hours of screaming, Micheal getting called Becky, Uriel getting called a Boomer and Lucifer getting called a barnacle. In the ended in them all crying while watching the Titanic and eating ice cream. 

  
  


There were some apologies there too. 

Meanwhile, in the second circle of hell, someone was plotting a plot most treacherous indeed. 

No, it is not the author. 

  
  
  


For the life of them, Aziriphale and Crowly couldn’t remember what had been bothering them, they were both now quite happily submerged in the land of tea and staring into eachothers eyes. 

They had finally gone out for their dat- (ow ow stop biting me Crowley, I’m not going to change it, Aziraphale stop looking at me like that I'm not a scorned child, stop I am the author of thi nonnonoono don’t cry, STOP IT THE BOTH OF oh alright.) ‘friendly’ dinner at the Ritz. 

Unfortunately, the time had come where they would normally bid each other farewell.

“I suppose now they know where you live, there isn’t much point in me staying with you..” saying kicked puppy is a minor understatement of both their faces.

“Yes, I suppose so…’

“Well good night”

“Yes, good night my dear.”

Crowley turned away slowly trudging towards the Bently. 

“Unless “

Crowley’s head whipped round so fast I'm afraid he got whiplash. 

“Unless ??”

“Well, I... Mean.. safety in numbers... And all that my dear..”

“Yes and all that, for safety, I mean they think we're at yours so maybe we should go back to mine..?”

“OHh yes, that sounds wonderful my dear, safety and all that.” 

The two beamed at each other. 

  
  
  
  


\-----

“Ahh, there’s only one bed.” 

Aziraphale for the life of him didn’t actually sleep that much he’d tried it once in the ’60s and had never quite taken to it, however… 

“Oh dear, only one bed…”

“I mean we could..”

Aziraphale was not as innocent as shown to the eye in fact while Crowly was outright cunning, Aziriphale was quite in his cunning ways, and really he gave so much surely God would not smite him down for this (she was to busy squealing about feels.) also he was very old and thought he was entitled to little things here and there. 

“Well, I suppose we must then.”

  
  


“Well then if we're going to do this then we should probably huddle together so neither of us falls off.”

Aziraphale nodded with all the hastiness of a starving man offered a morsel. 

\----

“Goodnight my dear”

"G'night angel."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so Luci and God are being brought into the fold hmmm, I wonder who shows up first...


	6. Dragoon the great

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sup (nods head)
> 
> the author here ima try to keep weekly updates, I doubt it'll happen but ima try... 
> 
> again I hope you enjoy and comments make the author happy and inspire her to keep writing. 
> 
> :)

“Should we wake him?”

“DON’T YOU DARE!” Aziraphale whisper shouted.

“Buuuutttt.”

“NO!!”

Uriel sunk back into her seat dejected. 

“What are you even doing in his bed anyway?”

Aziraphale turned as red as Peggy Carter's lipstick, as he started to stutter. 

“There was only one bed!” 

“Buu-”

“SAFETY IN NUMBERS”

At that Crowley snuggled closer to Aziraphale, who would have blushed harder if it had been possible. 

Smiling softly down at Crowly he tucked the blanket closer around them both and resisted the urge to run his hands through his hair. 

Remembering Uriel was still in the room he looked up to see “AHH all-mighty dammit stop that.”

Uriel was pulling a Sam Winchester worthy bitchface all while internally cackling on the inside. 

She got up, turned to leave and mumbled something which Aziriphale was fairly sure was “Safety in numbers my arse,” but he elected to ignore it in favour of looking adoringly down at Crowley.

  
  
  
  
  


“If you poke me one more time Micheal I swear I will throw you down into the fiery depths of the inferno and make you listen to WAP for 1 NO 2 milinea.”

…

Poke 

Two screams and two celestial/infernal beings came tumbling down the stairs right in front of Gilda. 

Gilda was not ammused. Picking up her shopping bags she pulled a dragoon the great and used them both as stepping stools to reach the first step. She then proceeded to make them carry up her shopping bags. Which they did of course they had manners, unlike some of their siblings' side-eyes Uriel and Gabriel. 

Picking up his abandoned muffins Lucifer slowly shuffled forward to the knocker, “is little Luci, scared its okay baby bro I’ve got you.”

“Ok, first of all, say bro again and you're going back down those stairs. Second of all AM NOT, and thirdly 3 SECONDS WERE LEGIT THE SAME AGE.”

“Whatever you say, little brother” 

Micheal fell back down the stairs. 

  
  
  


“My dear there’s someone at the door.”

‘Mghh’

“Crowley dear?”

“Asdfghjk”

“Well I suppose I could get it but I wouldn’t want to intrude.”

The door knocked again.

Aziraphale looked longingly down at Crowley, he wanted nothing more than to not move ever again but, the door knocked again, it would be terribly rude not to answer the door. 

  
  
  


You would have thought that Aziriphale would have noticed that Lucifer lord of the dammed was at the door but instead he noticed,

“MUFFINS!!” 

“Ohh do come in.”

Lucifer had not been expecting a jolly principality who reminded him rather of a gay Santa to usher him into the apartment and practically rip the muffins of him, but hey he was nothing but not adaptable. 

He went for his most placating smile “ahh yes hello I’m looking for Crowley? I was told this was their apartment..”

“Oh yes, of course, of course, he’s sleeping at the moment I’m Aziraphale”

Aziraphale had decided to forgo manners for the sake of the muffins as he was currently trying to talk around a rather scrummy blueberry muffin. 

“Satan but I prefer Lucifer.”

“Noice to meet you.” 

I’m sure at other times Aziriphale would be more worried about being in the presence of the devil but well the man had brought muffins and who was Aziriphale to refuse him. 

“Would you like a cuppa ?”

“Cuppa?”

“My apologies Tea?”

“Will there be scones?”

“Oo what a marvellous idea.”

  
  


And that is exactly how Crowley found them, it seemed the smell of tea had helped him regenerate, both sitting and drinking tea through cups Crowley was unaware he owned while Uriel was pouting in the corner and looking longingly at the muffins. 

If you are wondering where Micheal is he’s a bit preoccupied with trying to get up, he wasn't making much progress so had decided to just become the floor, he was not succeeding very well at that either. 

Nor was Crowley quite dressed for the gathering but his golden girl's nightie would have to do. 

Shuffling forward he settled in next to Aziraphale. 

“Angel?”

“Yes, my dear?”

“What is lucifer doing in my apartment?”

“He had muffins?”

Lucifer tried for an award-winning smile but ended up with a shy please don’t make me leave smile. 

Crowley who was far too done for the week decided that yes okay Lucifer was in his apartment, but you know what else was in his apartment, alcohol quite extraordinary amounts of it at that. 

“So started paying your child support?”

Satan choked. 

“You heard him, I'm not his dad.”

  
  


It was at this moment there was a swooshy sound and Gabriel appeared smack in the middle of the room. 

He had a large purple bruise on his forehead and was looking indifferently over to Crowley.

“I give you one chance to apologize or I'm gonna tell mum!”

“Was she binge-watching supernatural again and told you to fuck off?”

“That is not the point!”

“Gabriel shut up before I set Josephine on you.?

Gabriel shut up. 

“So how long have you two been together?” lucifer motioned at Crowley and Aziraphale. 

“Oh, we’re not,” 

“Nononon” 

“Were just friends!” they finished together. 

“Ahuh yes friends who sleep in the same bed apparently.”

Uriel shrunk into her seat at the two murderous looks she was receiving. 

“Ooo spill that tea sis”

“YOU WHAT, I KNEW IT OH MY MOTHER!!” 

“Oh, my mother what?” 

Micheal was at the door looking disgruntled and confused, her hair was all ruffled as if she’d just fell down the stairs twice, which I mean she had but that didn’t explain the random leaves. 

“NOTHING, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED NOTHING, SAFETY IN NUMBERS.”

“WE WERE TRYING TO HIDE FROM YOU LOT BUT OBVIOUSLY THAT DIDN’T WORK OUT!!”

“Why would you hide from us?”

“Excuse you, I'm a delight.”

“Well, I never!”

Meanwhile, Satan had melted into a pool of laughter on the armchair. 

  
  


That was all it took for the scene we look upon about two hours later, Uriel is trying to sneak a muffin and failing, Gabriel somehow now has a split lip (my bets on Aziraphale but we’ll excuse him because he deserved it), Lucifer was now sitting on Crowley’s chest shouting “why didn’t you tell me” on a loop. Micheal was meanwhile crying in the corner while Aziriphale awkwardly patted her shoulder. 

That was until the doorbell rang.

Suddenly the room went silent, Lucifer crawled off Crowley but sent him a look of We'll finish this later. 

Crowley swung open the door to reveal…

“NO THANK YOU!!”

And he swung the door back shut, made his way slowly to his room and proceeded to scream. 

“Was that?”

“Yes, I think it was…”

“Lucifer looked hatefully towards the door. 

“Oh no I better go check on him,” Aziraphale made his way to the room with the still screaming Crowley. 

“Should we answer the door?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so okay maybe not my best work but normally I write angst, so crack is a whole other story, but I'm giving it my best. 
> 
> next chapter there will be two special guests. 
> 
> I wonder who they could be... 
> 
> peace sign


	7. ineffable idiots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry, I actually have an excuse tho, I've recently had spinal surgery (my spine was just as bent as me) and have only recently been able to sit for long periods of time, I have a super cool scar tho so it's chill. 
> 
> torries are a political party (conservative) for anyone that isn't British.

“You are so melodramatic my dear”

“Am nooOot” Crowley whined with all the petulance of a young child. 

Satan for all his evily evilness took one ook at the pouting demon and giggled. 

Yes, you heard me right giggled; satan giggled. 

“They were tories angel TORIES, what was I meant to do have a civilised conversation?” Crowley shuddered nearly hissing at the mere thought of it. 

All three archangels seemed to nod in agreement at the notion. 

“You don’t know that dear, they just asked who you were voting for” Aziriphale shook his head mournfully. 

“I could smell it on them!” he slumped further into the sofa, or he would have had it been possible. 

“There souls were marked for hell” 

Aziraphale considered this.

On one hand, he could concede that Crowley’s reaction had been completely called for when confronted with tories and so he hadn’t been dramatic at all and in consequence that would mean admitting he was wrong. 

Aziraphale wasn’t very good at that. 

Or he could deny everything, distract and pretend to be holier than thou. 

Yes, he was better at that. 

“Mph, still my dear you do have a thing for drama, or do you not remember the whole thing with the black night?” 

“I was doing a job”

“You could clearly see it was me yet you still decided to emerge from the fog and do your whole intro, but clearly your not dramatic.”

“Bastard”

Aziraphale preened at the compliment and then.. 

“cough* Paris *cough” 

He glared at Crowley. 

“I wanted Crepes”

“And I wanted to not have to deal with tories!”

They were both glaring at each other now faces a little to close hereditary enemies or not. 

“I don’t even like you”

“You do” 

It seemed as though the entire universe had forgotten how to breathe as a collective we held our breath. 

Both Crowley and Asiriphale had forgotten they were meant to be glaring at each other and were instead just staring at each other, faces just inches apart so close that could feel the other’s breath on their lips. 

Aziraphale swallowed tearing his eyes from Crowley’s own to his lips before dragging them back up. Neither dared blink. 

The tension in the room so thick it would take an insanely large knife to cut through it, or a particularly annoying archangel. 

Speaking of “OH MY MUM JUST KISS ALREADY” 

The angel and the demon sprung apart as if burned, excuses tumbling out of their mouths looking anywhere but each other. 

Faintly the sound of someone screaming whilst banging there head on the wall could be heard whether it was God or the author it’s unsure (probably both). 

Both Micheal and Lucifer turned on Gabriel with there matching faces of gloom and doom, reminding Gabriel how much he had not missed them getting on. 

Uriel for all her might simply tackled him while shouting at him in Enochian, the words she was using normally would have pulled a scolding from Micheal however she decided just this once the words were called for. 

Two hours later and Uriel was quite calmly sat on Gabriel whilst Micheal and Aziriphale were having a very pleasant conversation about muffins, Lucifer and Crowly were shouting at each other in another room something none of the angles wanted to be involved in. 

The sound of glass shattering caused Gabriel to pause from his attempt of pushing Uriel off and all four angels paused to listen in. 

It was silent, too silent. 

“Crowley” 

Screeches of anger. 

A very quiet “shit”

More angry screeches.

A very angry Crowley stormed into the room muttering curses both infernal, angelic and human.

A Very timid lucifer followed soon after. 

“Look Crowley i-”

Didn’t get to finish apparently. 

“What ArE YoU eVeN DOinG hERe LuCIfER? I TaKE It You didn’t CoMe AlL THis WaY jUSt TO smASH my FAVouRITe POT!!!’ 

Uriel, Gabriel and Micheal side-eyed each other remembering the pot they had broken back at their first arrival. 

All three were making there best couldn’t be me faces. 

“I told you it wasn’t me” Lucifer looked as though he was trying not to shit himself at the look Crowley was sending him. 

Aziraphale was trying not to laugh, “this is about a pot my dear?”

“NoT jUst AnY pOt My FAvOUrIte pOt”

“It wasn’t meeeeee” Lucifer had taken to wining. 

Unfortunately for him, his pout was not as good as Crowley’s. 

“Well you stood on it”

“It was allrEADY BROKEN”

“Hmph”

“Then who was it?”

Uriel at that moment did the most unthinkable act, it was so unthinkable that both Gabriel and Micheal gasped as the cloud of impending doom cast shade upon there futures. What was this most foul and heinous act of misconduct; Uriel sneezed. 

All heads whipped round to stare at the angelic beings. 

Two of accusation and one of pure delight. Aziraphale knew where this was going and was just enough of a bastard to enjoy it. 

Under the weight of the three stares, Uriel and Gabriel’s eyes fell to there shoes their brains both a mantra of “fuckery fuck, fuck mcfucker”. Micheal being the only one with a lick of sense and the only one not actually involved in the breaking of the pot, she had been dangling off a window sill at the time you see, quickly put distance between herself and the two. 

“Bless me?” 

“YOU TWO” 

“I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN’

*insert teradactor screeches* 

“IT WAS THERE FAULT” both of them shouted while pointing at each other. 

“TRAITOR” they hissed at each other. 

A knock at the door interrupted what was soon to be a shouting match for the ages, or more accurately Crowley shouting for a solid 48 hours at the two. 

“I’m not done with you two, so don’t even think about leaving!” 

Both gave a shaky nod to scared to even think about stepping a foot away from the other. 

Crowley left the living room and made his way to the door, shutting the door behind him so he didn’t have to hear the angels whimpering. 

“Wha- Hastur?”

“Crowley,”

“What on earth are you doing here, I don’t work for hell anymore, in fact, I’d say I was fired but it was a bit more of a botched drowning…”

“I am here for revenge”

Crowley rolled his eyes.

“Look I’m sorry about Ligur but you must understand It was me or you to and I’m a demon what else would you expect?”

Hastur ignored him and reached into his pocket. 

“What are you gonna do, stab me?”

And with that Hastur promptly stabbed him. 

“That’s fair, a bit rude but fair all the same”

Hastur gapped at him. 

“Can I keep this or are you gonna want it back?” 

“That should have killed you, it’s an angel blade it should work on any demon or angel only the archangels would be unaffected.” 

Crowley winced “maybe you got the wrong blade” he tried. 

“No, I no wait”

“Look Hastur as lovely-”

“LOVELY”  
  


“Unpleasant, as it was to see you I do have things to do so if you’ll be on your way…”

Now Hastur may have been a demon but well they were England and the thought of being impolite and imposing was really rather shameful and Hastur suddenly felt rather bad and rude. An odd feeling for a demon and normally a pleasant one at such but as I said before they were in England and even English demons were polite, aggressively so at that. 

“Ahh yes I’m sorry I didn’t mean to keep you, I ’l..I’ll be on my way then.”

“Yess cheerio do have a very bad day.”

“And you”

Crowley sighed before shutting the door and checking his wound. 

“Well fuck”

Remembering that time Ezekiel had caused him to scrape his knee as a child and his sibling’s furious reactions he quickly pulled out the blade and stashed it in the corner of the hall. Making his way to the bathroom he washed the wound and then stuck a plasta with ducks on it over the wound. “Yes, that should do”. 

And as Crowley wholeheartedly believed that it would work then work it did. 

Having forgotten about the earlier incident with the pot Crowley entered the room trying not to wince as the stab wound pulled. 

“Ahh yes Crowley we have decided to watch Wonder women 1984”

“How marvellous” he drawled tone dripping with sarcasm, but we shall excuse for he had just been stabbed. 

“No, it’s DC” 

Lucifer smacked Micheal. 

“I don’t want to watch a DC film they suuuuck, let’s watch Marvel”

“No way Uriel, DC is better than marvel!” 

“SHUT UP GABRIEL NO ONE ASKED FOR YOUR OPINION CLOTPOLE” 

“CLOTPOLE ISN’T EVEN A WORD”

“YES IT IS”

“DESCRIBE WHAT IT MEANS”

“THE ARCHANGEL GABRIEL”

The two were wrestling again as Micheal tried to break them up, meanwhile, Aziriphale and Lucifer were placing bets in the form of muffins. 

Crowley used their distraction to sink into his chair barley stopping a groan from escaping. 

“Who was at the door my dear?”

“Oh Hastur”

“Are you okay!!!” 

“I was lightly stabbed” 

“YOU WERE STABBED”

This got everyone’s attention. 

“Lightly stabbed” 

They all stared at him. 

“Honestly it’s just his way of saying hello, I dealt with the wound it’s fine.”

“WHOSE WAY”

“Ohh Hastur.”

“That snivvely demon” satan grumbled before storming off with the three archangels presumably to hunt down the snivelling demon. 

Leaving just Aziraphale and Crowley staring at each other. 

“Look it’s not that big-”

“NOT THAT BIG A DEAL”

“CROWLEY YOU COULD HAVE DIED”

“It was an angel blade they don’t affect me.”

Aziraphale growled. 

“THEY dOnT aFFect MEeE” he mocked.

“If you had not been who you were you would be dead and i-”

“I would be alone”

“But i-”

“But nothing, Crowley you do not seem to understand”

“Understand what”

“It’s nothing don’t-”

“Crowley grabbed Aziraphale’s flailing hands “what Aziraphale?”

“That i-i, I cannot live if you do not” 

“How am I supposed to exist if you are not there to do so with me?” 

“Aziraphale” it came out broken and ripped like it was fighting back the force of a thousand tears and failing miserably at that. 

“Just forget about it” Aziriphale made to stand but was stopped by Crowley tightening his grip. 

“You say I don’t understand but, when I thought you gone, with the bookshop in flames and I could not sense you i-” 

“You were talking of me at that pub”

“Who else would I have been talking about, there is no one but you.” 

Their lips met catching the other in a kiss. 

Both had thought had imagined how a kiss may feel, would it be passionate and speak of 6 millennia of longing or soft and sweet and tentative like their friendship in the beginning. 

It was somewhere between, it was short and chaste just like every touch the two had ever shared, it spoke of 6 millennia of hidden quick glances and long nights of longing, it spoke of fear and pain an aching gape that only the other could act as a balm to. 

It was nothing like either had dreamed and yet everything all the same.

Letting their heads fall together each others breath dancing across the lips of the other. 

They did nothing but sit for a while enjoying the touch of the other’s skin against there own. Melting into each other like fire and ice. They stayed like that a while calming their thoughts and fighting a war against there tears (they were both loosing.) 

“I thought I went to fast for you”

“I meant your driving you bloody idiot!” 

They both laughed though both knew the words meant more than that. 

“I do not think I can go back from this.”

“Neither can I”

Their lips crashed into each other as if fighting against time so that the moment could never end. 

“What about-”

“Don’t” 

“If we think then time is real and I can not deal with the future when I have just left the past”

“Can’t you stop time?”

“Oh fuck I can” 

“Idiot” 

“Your idiot”

“My idiot” Aziriphale agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyy so I hope your all doing well the world is crazy at the mo, if any of you live in America where there are trump riots please stay safe and don't risk your safety. 
> 
> also, I know I did the broken pot bit before I only realised that after the chapter had been written sorry. 
> 
> I know things are hard at the moment so if any of you need someone to talk I'm happy to listen, don't worry about school at the moment worry about your mental health and staying healthy. please wear a mask and don't break government guidelines.
> 
> anyway have a nice week :)

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it :)


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